Cantaloupe Issues

My girlfriend sits next to me glumly. We are at her step-daughter's wedding, waiting our turn at the reception buffet line. She'd been so cheery up to that point.

I give her a questioning look and she sighs, "You worry so much that you're doing the right thing when they're growing up," she explains. "You catalog every little thing you did wrong and wonder how much you scarred them. Then they're grown and happy, functioning as productive members of society and you think, 'Whew. I did okay.' Then they freak out over cantaloupe and you realize that you didn't even have fruit on the radar screen of therapy fodder!"

I nod sagely. Oddly enough, I understand what she's talking about, even if I'm not exactly clear on the cantaloupe reference.

It turns out that my friend was building a plate for the bride so she wouldn't spill on her wedding dress. But when they got to the fruit plate, the dark side of her parenting was revealed to her - she gave the kids a complex over melon.

She doesn't even remember being hard-core about fruit. But apparently the kids both agree that she and their father were a little over-zealous with the cantaloupe and neither one can stand the sight of it now.

She looks at me glumly, and I decide a little tough love is in order.

"You are just gloating. Fruit issues? Hell. My younger girl is obsessed with having a penis and the older one still  zones out on us -  focusing on her fingers having conversations with each other. I would pay big money to know that their worst parenting story will be about my dedication to healthy produce!  Not a day goes by that I don't buy an expensive avocado and think that the money would probably be better spent going into the therapy fund."

She looks at me. "Boo wants a penis?"

"It isn't clear that she wants one, exactly. She just likes to pretend that she has one. Because it shocks people, I think.  You don't expect that word to come out of her mouth, so people ask her to repeat herself and then she yells, clear as a bell, "I have a penis!" with her jacket between her legs, and they're startled. Naturally."

My friend nods and thinks about it for awhile. "Thanks," she says, "you're right. The penis thing is a lot worse than cantaloupe. That really helped."

Uh, yeah. No problem. So glad I could be of service.

Comments

[Kimberly]

I'm sorry, but I can't help snicker over that one! And in doing so, I have probably just cursed myself to suffer the same fate down the road.

[uncommonblonde]

OMG! That is hilarious and shocking at the same time. (I'm sure that's the reaction she's going for) Sorry that you have to deal with this, although it's pretty darn funny from afar.