Amy's Mama Drama

OCD Mama

At a restaurant a few weeks ago...

Me:  Peanut, you want me to cut that hamburger in half for you? It'll be easier to eat that way.

Peanut (gazing off): Uh, no Mama, I'm good.

time passes...

Me: Honey, why don't you start eating. Would it be easier if I cut that hamburger in half for you?

Peanut (focusing on the burger for a sec): Nope, I'm fine. Thanks.

more time passes...

Me: If I cut that in half it'll be easier to eat.

Peanut, restructuring her disassembled burger: Okay, Mom, that'd be great.

Me: Really?! Okay! (I cut)

Peanut, looking me right in the eye: You feel better now, Mom?

Me: Huh? Oh...Yeah, I guess I do. Thanks for that.

Reminiscing About Boob

Boo's reminiscing, very loudly, at a restaurant with family last weekend:

"Mama? Remember when I was a baby? When I was a baby I used to eat from your boob. Your boobs had milk in it, and I used to eat it. It tasted like milk. When I was a baby."

Breastfeeding. Even when it's over, it's not forgotten. And when it is forgotten, they remind you. And everyone else in hearing distance.

Wassis?

"Wassis, Daddy?" asked Boo.

"That's a can of Dr. Pepper, Boo," replied the Daddy.

"Oh! Here, Daddy, take eht. Eht make you feew bettah!"

Mama Milestone: the first dance outfit

Yesterday I bought my older daughter's very first leotard for ballet class. Very cute. A little black leotard with cap sleeves. We got shimmery pink tights to go with it. Sooooo cute. She tried it on and executed a couple of dance moves in front of the mirror.

Sigh.

It was just one of those Mama moments. Very sweet. My baby - the ballerina. I cried.

Then she called it Leo's Tard, and I laughed and cried and almost wet my pants.

Humor, ala 5 1/2

Chicken Joke
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!

Numbers Joke
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9!

Okay, of course you've heard them, we've all heard them, so why am I sharing? Because I've heard them about 50 million times, and I'll probably hear them another 50 million times before by kids outgrow it, and they still make me laugh! Someone must have put something in my coffee this morning, because these jokes are just cracking me up today. Ah... I love it when that happens.

Pride Goeth Before the Punch Line

We were waiting for the stage coach at Columbia State Park in the Gold Country of California. The man looks around. "Remember when we flew here for lunch," he reminisced.

"I do. That was great fun," I replied.

"Huh?" our older girl asked.

"Daddy and I flew here in an airplane once. Before you were born," I explained.

She just stared at me blankly, but I was enjoying the memory. "Actually, Daddy flew the plane. He was the pilot," I smiled at him proudly.

Peanut's eyes widened. "You drove the plane, Daddy?" she asked in wonder.

"Yes, I did honey. I piloted the plane," he nodded, looking a little proud too.

"And people got in it?" was her classic reply.

Me & Squash in the 4th Dimension

Older girl: "MAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA! Where's my zucchini?"

Me: Huh?! I couldn't have heard that right. "Um. Your what?"

Her: Wailing. "My ZUCCHINI! I can't find it anywhere! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Me: Totally at a loss; questioning my sanity and suspecting the existence of a 4th dimension where my daughter cries over squash; I am struck dumb.

Her: "MAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Me: Stalling for time,and grasping for some semblance of reality as I know it, I cling to the familiar. "Where did you last see it?"

Her:  "[Sniffle] It was in the bag with my swim shoes and towel, but now I can't find it!"

Me: What the heck? OH! The light dawns. The fear abates. My world once again spins on it's axis. "Your bikini? You're looking for your bikini?"

Her: "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I can't find it. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

Me:  Regaining confidence, I say with complete authority that belies my earlier brush with insanity, "I washed it. It's in your drawer..." And life goes on.

But now I am aware of the thin thread from which my sanity hangs. My reality is but a mispronunciation away from destruction.

Quotes from a Preschooler

The perspective of a 3- or 4-year old is amazing, isn't it? I love what comes out of their mouths. Here are some of my favorites from my oldest and others'...

- Looking at a brightly colored spring dress:
"Oh! I like that one. It's colory!"

- One morning, as we were getting into the car:
"Daddy, Daddy! The windows have dalmation on them!" [instead of "condensation"]

- After asking about the wrinkles on my face:
"I like the sprinkles, mama. They come out when you are happy!"

- When her daddy climbed out of the shower one day:
"Daddy! You have a tail!"

- After pinching her little sister:
"I wanted to give her a toy and make her happy. But she was already happy so I had to make her sad first."

- At bedtime last week, during storytime in the rocking chair:
"It's my turn to tell you a story, Mama. About a princess..." There was a long, long pause, so I said, "Okay, I'm listening!" And she replied, "Just a minute Mommy, it's loading."

- A preschool friend to his grandpa, when said grandpa forgot to lock the bathroom door:
"Grandpa, you're supposed to be singing. You have to sing when you poop. You can sing any song, it just has to be loud."

- A 4 and a half year old, explaining to the doctor how he fell and cut his chin open (from Jen, who is still feeling guilty):

"Well, my mommy burned herself in the kitchen and yelled, so I ran to see what happened. But I slipped on the tile, because my mommy wouldn't put in carpet instead of tile, even though the tile is really slippery and I could fall down. Daddy wanted to put in carpet."

And it seems it's doesn't stop at the preschool age...

- A 6-year old girl after sharing a car ride with her dog for the first time and discovering the concept of shedding (thanks, Laura):

"That's it!  We're shaving the dog!  I don't want him black anymore.  I want him pink!"

- Same 6 year-old, after a visit to the pediatrician and discovering she's caught another odd kid-virus:

"I'm just an adventure in germs!"

Got a good quote? Post a comment or email me - the more the merrier!

"Mommy," my 4-year old daughter croons, "you have beautiful hair."

She gives me an angelic smile and I compliment myself on raising such a thoughtful, caring child.

Then she continues, "It's almost as beautiful as my hair."

Sigh.

Keeping it Real

"Mommy," my 4-year old daughter croons, "you have beautiful hair."

She gives me an angelic smile and I compliment myself on raising such a thoughtful, caring child.

Then she continues, "It's almost as beautiful as my hair."

Sigh.